The Big Love
by GoesKaboom
Summary: A rare glimpse inside an even rarer family with multiple husbands. Akatsuki Crack like you've never seen it before.
1. Chapter 1

The Big Love

Chapter One: In Which We Set the Stage

Because of the fact that the majority of the Akatsuki were men, people generally assumed that they were all gay. However, such was not the case.

"Pein, you lazy loser! Take out the trash!" Konan barked. Pein sighed and ignored her. "You lazy bastard, did you hear me?"

"Make someone else do it. You married ME first!" Pein replied irately. "Since I was married to you first, someone you married more recently should be the one doing the menial tasks!" Konan rolled her eyes.

"I'm busy, or I'd do it myself, and Itachi is busy mowing the lawn. Plus, the order I married you all in has nothing to with whether or not you have to do work. If it was like that, YOU'D sit on the couch the whole day and Tobi would keep this whole place running!Now TAKE OUT THAT TRASH!" She punctuated her remarks with an angry hiss.

Now, reader, you are probably quite confused. What is Pein talking about, _married first?_ Well, allow me to elaborate. You see, this group is a rare example of a polyandrous group. What is polyandry, you ask? It is simply the practice of one wife taking many husbands. And that is precisely what Konan did.

It all started a few years ago when Konan's mother came for a visit. "Look at you!" she had exclaimed. "A woman still unmarried, at your age! And you're living with so many men... it's deplorable!"

"Well, mom, what do you want me to do?" Konan had asked. Her mother stared at her with a glint in her eye.

"Oh, Konan. What are we ever going to do with you? And I thought I had educated you well, too! Obviously the only option is for you to get married!"

"All right, mom," Konan had said. "I'll marry."

Two weeks later, she wed Pein in a Jashinist ceremony performed by Hidan. Once the blood was spilled and the rings exchanged, she and Pein were now wife and husband. But something still didn't seem right. She was still living with eight unmarried men, and they all had nothing tieing them to the organization. And that's when she began to formulate a plot.

Once the honeymoon was over, Konan rushed back to propose to the first person who walked across her path, who just so happened to be Kakuzu. Three hours and quite a bit of paperwork later, Konan and Kakuzu exited the courthouse, wife and husband in the eyes of the law. Needless to say, Pein was less than pleased at the realization that he would have to share his wife.

The other marriages took place in very much the same way as the first two. Hidan officiated the ceremonies for Konan and Deidara, Konan and Itachi, and Konan and Zetsu. When she married Hidan, Sasori, Kisame, and Tobi, they traveled to different areas to get their liscences. Several weeks later, it was official. The entire Akatsuki was married to Konan.

That was all three years ago. Although it would be nice to say that things had been tranquil ever since, it would be a complete, baldfaced lie.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Uh... I really have no idea where the idea for this story came from... but the title comes from the HBO television series 'Big Love' about the polygamous family.

This story is rated 'T' for now, but the rating could change. There might be some mature jokes later on.

-Kaboom


	2. Chapter 2

The Big Love

Warnings: Well, damn, that was fast. Immediately after the first chapter, we have to bump the rating. This chapter contains some mature situations, and strong language.

Chapter Two: In Which There Is Comparison

It started as a typical day. Everyone was going about their business as usual, until someone decided to start trouble. Oh, sure, it started out innocuous enough. Just a simple question.

"Which of us do you think Konan finds most attractive?" Deidara asked at the lunch table. Itachi choked on his Hot Pocket, but other than that, there was dead silence all around.

"Why would you ask such a stupid question?" Zetsu's light side asked. His dark side remained silent.

"Yeah, really, Deidara," Sasori replied. "What a weird question."

"I was just curious-un," Deidara shot back defensively. "I mean, she IS our wife. Shouldn't we be curious about her, and what she likes, dislikes, her favorite things? I don't know about you guys, but I want to be a good husband!" Hidan sat up, smirking.

"Lay off poor little Dei-chan," he said sarcastically. "Because I got an answer for him. OBVIOUSLY the one Konan finds most attractive is me!"

"And why should that be obvious?" Pein asked dangerously, his eyes flashing as he toyed with a piercing in his chin. "I fail to see your logic, seeing as you are a foul-mouthed, albino, religious fundamentalist. That sounds to me like the opposite of attractive!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Hidan screeched back. "At least I don't have so many fucking peircings that it's a miracle that my head isn't pointing magnetic north!"

"Are you idiots going to fight for the rest of the day or are you going to tell us why exactly you're so goddamned attractive, Hidan?" Zetsu's dark side snapped. A wide grin appeared on Hidan's face.

"If you fuckheads will stop disputing me, I'll tell you! Not only is my hair incredibly sexy, but I have a good complexion, and a wonderful personality-" here he was cut off by a lot of snorting. "-I also have a huge-" he was cut off again by a loud shout of laughter.

"Don't even finish that!" Kakuzu was laughing so hard that a few tears had begun to leak from the corner of his eyes. "If you were going to finish your sentence with the word I think you were, then you are sadly mistaken!"

"Who do you think you are?!" Hidan screamed, outraged.

"Duh, dipshit, your partner. I've seen you in the bath-house. You're nothing special."

"Uh... please tell me we aren't discussing...ah...'Hidan Jr.'," Tobi said, looking slightly queasy.

"Of course! What else would we discuss in a conversation like this?" Hidan replied, surprised.

"Lots of things," Itachi said, staring at his half-eaten Hot Pocket.

"I'm leaving," Tobi announced, standing up from the table. Hidan looked at him.

"Why? We haven't even begun to talk about you! Although I don't know how you could even _begin_ to please the wife... you're probably the size of a toothpick!"

"I'm leaving. I'm sorry, but I have no interest in your junk, Hidan," Tobi replied. "Although if you ask me, it seems like all that tough talk means you're really just compensating for your size problem." There was a collective gasp, and someone (probably Zetsu's dark side) yelled, 'OOOOH!" Hidan looked affronted.

"I'll have you know..." he began, but before long, he was cut off.

"If we're speaking of who is the best lover, then I would win, hands down!" Deidara interrupted. Kakuzu shot him a glare.

"Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Because I have four tongues-un." Sasori almost fell out of his chair laughing.

"He's got you there, Hidan!" he chuckled,

"Oh yeah? I'll bet you don't even have a dick anymore, puppet-boy," Hidan snarked.

"I do so!" Sasori yelled. "I'll even prove it!"

"No thank you," Tobi said, looking ever more mentally scarred.

"For once I have to agree with Tobi," Itachi added, looking slightly sick to his stomach.

"I think Tobi and Itachi are insecure about some things," Hidan laughed. Within seconds, Tobi and Itachi had jumped out of their chairs and pinned Hidan to the wall with several kunai. "OW! Fuck you two! You are a bunch of crazy bastards!"

"Take it back," Tobi hissed. "Take it back, you little fucker."

"Oooh, I'm so scared," Hidan responded.

"I don't care if you are immortal, I'll find a way to kill you. I don't care if I have to torture you until you go insane and think you're Marilyn Monroe, I _will_ make you take it back," Itachi said.

"I'm shaking in my fucking boots," Hidan replied. Suddenly, the kitchen door banged open and Konan strode in.

"What the hell are you idiots fighting about?" she asked, her voice showing no emotion. Her husbands looked at each other, and no one said anything at first. Finally, Tobi had the courage to explain.

"We got in a fight over who was bigger." Konan resisted the urge to bang her head on the wall, then said,

"Kisame is. Now will you morons stop fighting over useless things?" Once again everyone looked at each other.

"Uh..." was all Hidan said.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

. I have no idea why I chose this to write about, but I think the fact that I just drank four cans of coffee milk might have something to do with it....

-Kaboom


	3. Chapter 3

The Big Love

Chapter Three: In Which There Is Baby-Daddy Drama

7:00 AM. Konan was ill. As she hunched over the toilet toilet bowl, she rued the day that she had discovered the delicious concoction known as cocktail shrimp. "Dammit!" she swore. "I never should have eaten that shrimp!" And then she retched.

Deidara was walking past the bathroom when he heard the vomiting. He noticed that the door was open, so he peeked around the door, to notice his wife ver ill. And he panicked.

"Konan is sick! She's very sick! She's throwing up-un!" he yelled as he charged into the living room. Everyone dropped what they were doing.

"She's... unwell?" Kisame asked worriedly.

"She's throwing up?" Hidan asked. Deidara nodded. Pein inhaled sharply, his face pale.

"Shit..." he breathed. "Holy shit..."

"What? What!?" Deidara asked, terrible images of his wife dying alone and in pain flashing through his mind. "Is she OK!? Is she going to be alright!"

"Deidara... I think Konan has morning sickness," Itachi explained. Deidara looked blank, and Itachi rolled his eyes. "As in, PREGNANCY morning sickness." Deidara's eyes widened.

"NO! I'M NOT READY TO BE A FATHER-UN!" he shouted.

"Hey now, who said anything that it's YOURS?" Tobi replied indignantly. "Most likely the child is mine. I'm so happy! I'm going to be a daddy!"

"Whatever, fucker," Hidan replied. "It's my child, obviously."

"Ohh... I'm going to be able to teach my child about the value of a dollar! It's always been a dream of mine to teach my own kid money-management skills!" Kakuzu gushed. "I'm so excited!"

"...you're weird..." Deidara replied. Kakuzu shot him a nasty glare.

"You're all wrong," Zetsu's light side said. "The kid is my child," his dark side added.

"My clan will be revived!" Itachi yelled.

"Now you sound like your brother," Kisame said, irritated. "The child will be mine. It only makes sense, seeing as I am her favorite husband."

"Oh for the love of... don't start that shit again," Tobi sighed.

"You know, the only way we'll know for sure who's child it is is to wait until she reaches a later date and we have a paternity test," Sasori said pragmnatically. "After all, then we'll be able to know for sure who the father is, and we won't be busy trying to kill each other over something like this."

"But what if I want to kill these fuckers?" Hidan asked.

"NO, HIDAN!" Kakuzu almost screamed.

"You all are some of the worst people I have ever met!" Tobi exclaimed. "Don't you know that it is impolite, not to mention dangerous for a pregnant woman, for idiots like you to be fighting over useless things! If you bother Konan, she might miscarry! So everyone shut up and be polite around her!"

--

For the next week, Konan was astonished at how well her usually squabbling husbands were getting along (and at how nice they were to her).

"May I get the door for you?" Kisame asked Hidan.

"Yes, thank you," Hidan replied politely, taking the door from Kisame.

"Tobi, may I trouble you for a moment?" Deidara asked formally. Konan stared. Deidara wasn't polite to anyone, ever. And, much to her astonishment, Tobi replied equally politely.

"Yes, what is it?" Just as Deidara was about to ask his question, Konan interrupted.

"What are you morons planning now?" she asked. Tobi and Deidara looked at each other.

"Why, we're not planning anything! Whatever do you mean?" Tobi replied.

"Yeah, is everything OK-un?" Deidara added. At this point, everyone had noticed that Konan was present, and they all fell all over themselves to get to her side.

"Can I get you anything?" Itachi asked.

"How are you feeling? Do you want to rest?" Kakuzu asked. Konan looked suspiciously around the assembled group.

"I have a feeling something stupid is going on here..." she stated. "What is wrong with you guys?" No one said anything for a few moments, and then-

"Oh, please, tell us! Is it a boy or a girl?" Tobi demanded to know.

"Is WHAT a boy or a girl?" Konan asked.

"Do you know who the father is?" Deidara asked.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Konan had honestly no idea what was going on.

"Your baby, of course!" Hidan exclaimed.

"What baby?"

"The one you're PREGNANT with," Itachi explained. Konan jumped back in shock.

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" she yelled. "No! Oh hell no!"

"But... but... you were throwing up in the morning a week ago! Morning sickness!" Deidara stammered. Konan resisted the urge to throttle him.

"I ate some bad shrimp! All of you, get lost! I can't believe your stupidity!" and she walked off angrily, slamming the door behind her.

"Nice going, dipshit," Hidan said to Deidara.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

I'm sorry I haven't updated recently, I haven't really been in the good mood needed to work on this story, since I've had tons of work to do. It won't take me so long to update this time.

-Kaboom


	4. Chapter 4

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The Big Love

Chapter Four- In Which There Is Appeasment

"Man, we really screwed up," Tobi said sadly, later that afternoon. "Konan is seriously pissed."

"You didn't just say 'man', did you?" Hidan snickered. Kakuzu shot him a warning glare.

"You shut up!" he barked at Hidan. Then, turning to Tobi, he said, "It's nobody's fault but Deidara's. He shouldn't have jumped to conclusions the way he did. Don't beat yourself up over it. Someone's mother never told him that you never assume a woman is pregnant unless she tells you."

"Guess not," Hidan replied.

"I just can't stand it when she's mad at me, you know?" Tobi replied. "She's downright terrifying when she's pissed off."

"I hear you," Kakuzu sighed. "I don't think she ever forgave me for not spending money on a hotel when we were on our honeymoon. But the tent was nice! And it was right on the beach! It was a lovely view for cheap!"

"Uh... sure..." Hidan and Tobi replied in unison. Suddenly, a little lightbulb clicked on over Tobi's head.

"We can still make this up to her!" he shouted, scaring Hidan and Kakuzu.

"How?" Hidan asked. Tobi smirked.

"We'll just have to appease her, won't we?"

--

Before long, all the guys had heard of the plan. And frantic phone calls were made.

"Hello? Bob's House-O-Flowers? I need a big boquet of red roses, pronto. And put 'To my lovely wife, Konan. You are my rose. Love, Itachi."

"Hello? Choco Choco Chocolate Corporation? Please send over your largest box of assorted candies in a big heart-shaped box. And put a card on it. With puppies! And flowers! And cute frolicking kittens! And put- To Konan- Love You- Heart Sasori!"

"Yo. My wife and I are fighting, and I need something sexy to wear to calm her down. Send over some silky boxers!" Hidan barked into his cell phone. Itachi and Sasori almost dropped their phones.

"I didn't want that mental image..." they whispered in unison.

"Hey! Hey! Sammy's Jewelers? I need a nice ring, please. And make it sapphire. EXPENISVE sapphire. The setting should be platinum-un. The card should read 'I will always love you. From your husband, Deidara."

"Hello? Is this the Plushomatic Toy Company? I want a big plush puppy carrying a heart that says 'Konan plus Tobi equals 4ever."

"Set up a trust fund in Konan's name!" Kakuzu howled into his phone. "And send over a paper confirming it!"

"Is this the patisserie?" Zetsu asked. "Yeah. Opera cake, state. With a card that says 'To Konan- from Zetsu.'"

"Hey. It's Pein. I need you to send over those custom designed earrings I was saving for Konan's birthday. And make sure she can tell it's from me."

"Petworld? I want some cute goldfish and I want them now! I need to get a gift for my wife! Please tie a ribbon around their bowl and put 'To Konan' on it!" Kisame shouted. And with a snap, everyone shut their phones.

"All that's left to do now is wait for the stuff to show up, I guess..." Tobi said.

--

Four hours later, everyone's gifts had arrived at the house, and they all quickly tiptoed to Konan's room, set the gifts down, and knocked on the door. Then, they all ran (except for Hidan, since he was his own gift). Konan opened the door and yelled in shock.

"Hidan, what the hell is going on here!?" she screeched.

"We're trying to pay you back for upsetting you. And I'm my own gift! Take me now, honey!" Hidan answered. Konan's eye twitched, and she barreled out of the doorway, almost knocking over Hidan, and ran down the stairs.

"You can't _buy_ my forgiveness!" she shouted once she found the guys.

"Huh?" Itachi asked, shocked.

"If you wanted to make things right, you SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME!" Then, she walked off angrily.

"Uh... that went well," Deidara said.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Because I felt bad about not updating for so long, here's a fast update. :)

-Kaboom


	5. Chapter 5

The Big Love

Chapter Five: In Which There Is A Broken Television

"You've _got_ to be kidding me!" a loud voice called. Konan sighed. It was only 8:00 AM and already, someone was having issues.

"What is it?" she called from the kitchen. "Come and have some coffee!"

"THE TELEVISION IS BROKEN!" a distraught Sasori wailed, shuffling into the kitchen.

"Oh really?" Konan asked wearily. "Wonderful."

"I know! I really wanted to watch _Good Morning America_, too!" Sasori complained. Konan looked at him.

"We get _Good Morning America?"_

"On the satellite," Sasori explained. Konan nodded.

"Makes sense... we did pay all of that money for that damn thing... we SHOULD be picking up TV programs from everywhere. But why don't you watch NHK or LRT or BBC or something?"

"But I _like_ ABC the best! And _Good Morning America_ is on that channel!" Sasoei complained. Konan rolled her eyes.

"OK, OK I get it!" she almost shouted. "I'll ask Kakuzu to assess the damage and find out how much a new TV will cost. But before I do that, did you try to fix it?"

"Duh," Sasori replied. "I was up all night working on it!" Suddenly, Itachi walked into the kitchen, eyes shut tightly.

"Uh... what are you doing?" Konan asked.

"Must... have... caffeine!" Itachi mumbled in a zombified voice before picking up the entire pot of coffee and drinking from it. "Which idiot was it that was swearing at the television all last night? I didn't get any sleep whatsoever thanks to that inconsiderate bastard!" Konan glared at Sasori.

"YOU KNOW ITACHI SLEEPS NEXT TO THE TELEVISION ROOM AND YOU STILL MADE A LOT OF NOISE?" she shouted. "Now he's going to be twice as homicidal as usual!" Sasori blinked.

"I didn't think about that..." he replied sheepishly. Konan let out a frustrated sigh, and Sasori backed up.

"I'll go get Kakuzu..." he said.

"You'd better," Konan warned. "And if it's expensive, YOU'RE paying for it."

* * *

Needless to say, Kakuzu was not pleased to be woken up by a frantic Sasori. "Can't you do anything by yourself?" he grumbled.

"Konan wants you to assess te damage to the TV and figure out how much it will cost to repair." Within that instant, Kakuzu turned livid.

"WHO BROKE THE TELEVISION?!" he shouted.

"I don't know! I don't know!" Sasori said frantically. "I was watching something on HBO last night when the TV got all staticy, then it cut out completely. I tried to fix it but nothing I did worked!"

"Stop acting like Itachi's brother," Kakuzu ordered. "Stay here while I assess the problem." And he stalked off, leaving a disgruntled Sasori in his wake.

* * *

Half an hour later, a seriously pissed off Kakuzu returned. "Well?" Sasori demanded. Kakuzu sprinted over and punched him the solar plexus, getting a hand full of splinters, but he didn't really care. Sasori did, though. "OW, you crazy asshole! What was that for?"

"A cable was unplugged!" Kakuzu screamed. "You're so fucking stupid! How could you not notice that?"

"Oh..." was all Sasori had to say.

To Be Continued!

* * *

Epic Long Author's Comments:

First, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the television channels mentioned, here's a quick guide.

ABC: American Broadcasting Corporation. I live in America, so a lot of TV programs are showed on that channel. Good Morning America is one of the programs on that channel.

NHK: Nippon Hōsō Kyōkai , or Japan Broadcasting Corporation. I get NHK in English and like their news programs.

LRT: Lietuvos Televizija. Lithuanian channel that I watch to try to learn my mother language. :)

BBC: British Broadcasting Corporation. Everyone knew that, right?

Now, more comments! :P

I was getting ready to sell an old PC once and in order to do so, I had to take out the hard drive out (I bought only about four months ago and it was still too good to sell) and replace it with an old one (which had Ubuntu Linux on it). Well, I tried to turn on the machine to make sure that everything worked. Nothing happened. I ended up staying up until three in the morning trying to figure out the problem, until I figured it out: I forgot to turn on the power strip. I have a million other stories like this, from technology-illiterate teachers to a very funny one involving my grandmother and a DVD (she thought it was a CD and put it in the CD player. Lulz and headaches ensued).

I'm also sorry that I took so long to update, but I've been ill, and had an accident which hurt my eyes. It was painful to look at a computer screen for any amount of time. I'm doing slightly better now. I'm still not feeling very well, but I'll be better soon.

-Kaboom


	6. Chapter 6

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The Big Love

Chapter Six: In Which There Is A Misunderstanding, Part One

"Ah...Tobi! Harder!" A voice shrieked from behind a locked door. "Come on, faster-un!"

"I'm...haa...going as fast...ah...as I...hauuh...can!" another voice panted. "Just hang in there, Deidara. Uuh..It's close!"

"T-tobi, I can't hold it anymore! AAH!"

As this..rather erotic-sounding exchange was going on, a slightly stunned Zetsu stood outside the door, while Kisame was busy looking sick to his stomach. "Uh... that's certainly unusual," Zetsu's light side said while his dark side laughed. "I wonder if we should tell Konan about this?"

"Uopp..." Kisame retched. "That is NASTY. Don't they even have enough decency to NOT HAVE SEX IN THE DAMN OFFICE? I mean, I _work_ in there! And if there's one thing I hate, it's adulterers."

* * *

Meanwhile, locked in said office, Tobi and Deidara were collapsed on the floor. "Damn," Deidara panted. "I never thought that putting together a filing cabinet would be so difficult." He knocked on the metal monstrosity sitting a few feet away from him. "I was sure that my arms were going to rip out of their stitching!"

"At least now we have somewhere to file our paychecks," Tobi replied happily. "But I thought we'd _never_ be able to get that drawer in!"

* * *

"Deidara and Tobi were doing WHAT!?" Konan shrieked.

"Well, I already told you," Zetsu's light side said. "They were having hot, sweaty sex in the office!" his dark side finished, almost seeming to revel in imparting this knowledge.

"DON'T REMIND ME!" Kisame yowled.

Ignoring him, Konan asked, "Are you positive?"

"Pretty damn positive...although we didn't actually see anything," both Zetsus said in unison. Konan sighed.

"Oh well... I've been waiting for something like this to happen ever since I married all of you... thought not really with each other! I'll just give them the chance to come to me and tell the truth on their own. You two, make sure that this doesn't get spread around."

"Yes, Konan. Thank you," Zetsu and Kisame said before exiting Konan's room. Once they had safely shut the door behind them, they smirked conspiratorially at each other. This was gonna get interesting...

* * *

Once Deidara and Tobi were thouroughly rested from their file-cabinet work, the two of them walked down to the kitchen for a snack, but someone was already in there, reading the newspaper. "Hi Sasori!" Tobi chirped. Sasori blushed and covered his face with the Metro section.

"What's with him?" Deidara asked.

"I don't know," Tobi replied. "Let's get our food and go. Do you want potato chips or potato crisps?"

"What's the difference-un?" Deidara asked. Tobi just grabbed both bags and the left.

* * *

As time passed, both noticed that everyone was acting strangely whenever they walked by someone. Hidan would crack up any time either of them went anywhere near him.

"So... ah... I, uh, wish you happiness," a very nervous Itachi told the both of them on the front porch, and then scuttled away quickly, leaving a very confused Tobi and Deidara behind him.

"What was THAT about?" Deidara asked.

"Beats me... why is everyone acting so weird today?"

* * *

And so it went on for the rest of the day. The other husbands all came by to either laugh or congratulate them. And quite frankly, it was beginning to piss Deidara off.

"What the hell is going on around here?!?!?" he finally shouted as he walked into the house. Then, a fluorescent pink poster caught his eyes. "What the FUCK!?" he exclaimed.

The poster hads a giant Photoshopped image of Deidara and Tobi holding hands, with slogan 'Deidara and Tobi Love-Love Forever!'

"AUUUGH!" Deidara yelled.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Sheesh that's a lot of line-breaks... oh well.

For some reason, I couldn't write this chapter unless I was listening to 'Breathe' by The Prodigy. It's one of those time you just have to listen to something to keep you writing.

Hope you all had a great holiday!

-Kaboom


	7. Chapter 7

The Big Love

Chapter Seven: In Which There Is A Misunderstanding, Part Two

By the time everyone had responded to Deidara's alarmed scream, the blonde was sitting in the corner, hugging his knees to his chest. Pein eyed him disdainfully.

"What, he can't handle having his affair exposed?" Itachi clicked his tounge sympathetically.

"How would you like it if something you would have preferred to keep a secret was exposed to the world? I think that it is quite likely you would respond in the same way," he addressed Pein, who shook his head.

"But he's MARRIED!"

"Uh... I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're _all_ married," Zetsu's light side said. "Dumbass," his dark side tacked on.

"I think I have to side with Pein," Hidan said. "After all, Itachi, adultery is frowned upon in most societies."

"Yeah, but you didn't have to make a goddamned POSTER," Itachi defended himself. Suddenly, the little cabal was broken up by Tobi, who rushed over to Deidara.

"Sempai, what ha- HOLY SHIT!" he began to ask about Deidara's state, and then noticed the poster. "What the hell, you guys? We're not together! I'm faithful to my wife!"

"As am I," croaked Deidara from the corner.

"Don't try to play innocent, whore," Zetsu's dark side snapped.

"We heard you two in the office," Kisame said weakly.

"Really, it's none of our business what you two do, but you should at least admit to Konan what you did," Zetsu's light side elaborated. "It's totally OK, but if you're going to continue what you've been doing, it would probably be best to ask for a divorce."

"No one is divorcing anyone, you idiots! Will you listen to me for a minute?" Tobi shrieked. Everyone shut up. "Deidara-sempai and I were building a filing cabinet so we can store bills and paychecks. What you probably heard was us trying to put the drawers in!" Hidan laughed, almost psychotically.

"Yeah, right! If that's the case, then why was Deidara screaming, 'Oooh, Tobi! HARDER! AAAH!'" he screamed in a very good imitation. "Sounds to me like you were more busy trying to get your COCK in."

"Tobi's telling the truth!" Deidara yowled. "Come and see the file cabinet if you don't believe us-un!" So the group walked up to the office.

* * *

"Hmmm..." Pein said, testing the drawer. "It _is_ really difficult to open..."

"Yeah, we couldn't get it to fit," Tobi explained. "Deidara was probably telling me to push on it more."

"OK, but explain why the door was locked, huh?" Hidan asked, "If _all_ you were doing was building a filing cabinet, why would the door need to be locked?"

"You know the lock is faulty! Remember two months ago when Kakuzu's sister was visiting and she accidentally locked herself in here? It's not our fault!"

"We shut the door so we wouldn't disturb anybody," Tobi said. "We had to use hammers and saws, and we didn't want the noise to bother anyone."

"More like they didn't want the noise from their-"Hidan began, but was cut off.

"I believe you," Itachi said.

"Yeah, us too," the Zetsus said.

"I guess..." Pein replied. Hidan looked outraged.

"You guys actually believe this crap? The evidence is right in front of you!"

"No, dipshit, the evidence is right in front of _you_. The filing cabinet is right there and there's no sign of anything else having gone on in this room," the dark Zetsu snarled.

"Go take down that tacky poster," Pein ordered. "Or you're fired."

"The both of you should go and explain to Konan what really happened," Kisame suggested. Deidara looked alarmed.

"She thinks... that Tobi and I...?" At least Kisame had the decency to look ashamed.

* * *

"You're telling me that the moron brigade jumped to conclusions about the two of you?" Konan sighed. Deidara and Tobi nodded. "I'm sorry for doubting you. Oh, and if you see Zetsu and Kisame, tell them I don't want to see them for two weeks."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Happy New Year! :D

And the moral of the story is, don't jump to conclusions.


	8. Chapter 8

!-- page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --

The Big Love

Chapter Eight: In Which There Is An Anniversary (Part One)

One morning, everyone awoke to the cheery sound of bacon sizzling in the pan and someone singing (off-key) Britney Spears songs at the top of their voice. And most of them were not amused.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Hidan yowled. "CAN I EVER GET A FEW FUCKING MINUTES OF SLEEP?!"

"Yeah, I'd like that myself, Hidan," an irritated Kakuzu replied. "And your voice is just as annoying as the dumbass that's singing!"

"Can't you guys be happy for us for once in your miserable lives?" Pein (the singer) asked. "Or if you can't bring yourselves to be happy for me, be happy for Konan at least!"

"What, is today her birthday?" Deidara asked in alarm, reaching for the Wal-Mart advertisement, his wallet, and a cell phone. "Crap!"

"No, no, it's not her birthday- it's better!" Pein replied. "It's our anniversary!"

"Oh, so it's nothing important, then," Hidan said. "Whatever. I'm going back to bed." But Pein stopped him.

"No! You're not going anywhere!"

"But why?" Hidan whined. "It's not like it's her and my anniversary!"

"YEAH!" the whole pack of husbands that had assembled shouted. Pein just rolled his eyes.

"Just put on some clothes. That means you, Itachi, you look ridiculous in Hello Kitty pajamas." Itachi looked affronted.

"You know as well as I do that it's laundry day! I had no other clean ones!"

"Yeah right. We will go to the party store and get some stuff for this party!"

* * *

So, everyone obeyed their leader and they drove out to the party store, where they immediately scoured the place, looking for appropriate party decorations. "What about these?" Itachi asked, holding up a package of delicate paper plates with silver filigree spelling out the words "Happy Anniversary".

"No, no, use these!" Tobi interrupted, waving around a package of gaudy orange plates stamped with a black bat on them. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Tobi, you moron, those are for Halloween, not an anniversary!" he exclaimed. "Anyone with half a brain could see that."

"But they are cute!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Itachi, those are boring.. Look for more interesting plates. Tobi, just... no. Take this seriously, please. We are not hosting a Halloween party... in fact, I'm not even sure why the party store would still be carrying Halloween stuff in January. Put those back and behave," Pein replied.

"Aww... fine," Tobi said, shuffling off. Itachi set the plates he had found down and looked at some others, but he didn't find anything that he really liked.

"Pein really has no taste," he groused silently. "So tacky... honestly, didn't his mother ever teach him to have _class_?"

Meanwhile, Deidara and Sasori were looking at balloons. "I don't see why everyone should have to help Pein with this! It's not anyone else's anniversary!" Sasori exclaimed.

"Be nice, now," Deidara reprimanded. "Be happy that our wife is getting a party!"

"That's the problem, you moron!" Sasori exclaimed. "Tonight, she is not my wife! Nor is she your wife! Tonight, she is Pein's wife! We are helping support this when there is nothing in it for us!"

"Oh, you pervert," Deidara sighed. "Can't you just be happy for Konan-un?"

"No," Sasori grouched.

"Hey, look at this!" Deidara abruptly changed the topic. "Look at this!" He held up a banner that read 'Happy Anniversary.' Sasori broke into a smile.

"It's reusable."

"Exactly-un."

Finally, everyone had found things that they needed, and Pein checked out at the counter.

"This is going to be great!" Pein said excitedly. "We're going to put on the greatest anniversary party ever!"

"Only to be surpassed by mine in two and a half months," Sasori muttered.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Ugh. Mix illness with a lot of work and add a dash of "holy shit holy shit where is my notebook." and you'll have a good idea of my past two weeks. Sorry for the long time between updates, but these past few weeks have been a gift from hell. For those of you that don't know, I have some health issues, and they seem to be manifesting themselves with a vengeance right now. I'll try to update soon, though.

-Kaboom


	9. Chapter 9

The Big Love

Chapter Nine: In Which There Is An Anniversary (part two)

When everyone reached the house, Pein unloaded bags and bags of stuff from the car. Everyone watched in amazement as the bags and packages just kept coming. "Damn," Kakuzu remarked. "How much did you spend?"

"Oh, only about 3500 dollars," Pein remarked offhandly. Kakuzu began to hyperventilate.

"You... you spent 3500 dollars on stuff for a PARTY?" he screeched.

"Not just any party, though," Pein replied. "This party is for my anniversary!"

"Oh, well, isn't that special?!" Kakuzu shrieked. "I don't care if it's your anniversary, your mom's anniversary, or the anniversary of the first Harry Potter book being released, it's still a useless, wasteful expense. You will have ruined this organization, Leader-sama!" he yowled, using Pein's official title. "You have ruined us!"

"Stop being so damn dramatic," Pein dismissed his concerns. "It is only a small amount."

"ONLY A SMALL AMOUNT?! ONLY A SMALL AMOUT?!"

"Ignore him," Pein sighed. "Everyone, just help me get this crap in the house."

A few minutes later, everyone got to work; stringing lights, hanging banners, setting the table, and cooking. "Hurry up and pass the salt," Zetsu's light side demanded. "I need to season the rice."

"Ok!" Deidara called, accidentally knocking the salt container over, spilling it on the counter.

"YOU FUCKING MORAN!" Kakuzu screamed. "Salt is expensive!"

"Do you ever shut up?" Zetsu's dark side snarled. "You're fucking obnoxious, you know that? Now, Deidara, the salt please."

"Uh... sure-un," Deidara replied, nervously eyeing Zetsu nervously. He really hoped that Zetsu wouldn't lash out like he sometimes did. But all the plant-man did was take the salt and begin to season the rice. Pein popped his head into the kitchen and surveyed the progress.

"Keep making this epic special dinner!" he said before going off somewhere.

"How exactly does one make an 'epic special dinner'?" Zetsu's light side asked, while he mixed the rice. "I mean, this is all nice and everything, but I wouldn't call this 'epic special', you know?"

"I don't know... Pein has lost his mind, I think," Kisame replied, mixing a blend of vinegar and spices for the salad. "I have never seen anyone this hyped up over something as unimportant as an anniversary!" Tobi gasped.

"You shouldn't say that, Kisame-san! An anniversary is very important! It is a happy, wonderful time! It is the beautiful commemoration of pure love that gave itself to marriage!" he exclaimed. "How could you say such a thing about your wife?!" Deidara snorted derisively.

"Tobi, there's nothing pure about this love! You're sharing your wife with everyone in this house! How can you stand here and say that your love is not at least somewhat tainted by that knowledge-un!" he yelled. "You can't possibly be that naive!"

"Deidara-sempai, how cynical are you?" Tobi asked, shocked.

"Not cynical enough!" Deidara shouted.

"Oh, whatever!" Itachi finally yelled. "Enough of this shit! Shut up and finish cooking! I don't give a flying foot about Pein, but I'm doing this for my wife. Now let's just finish this ridiculous task and get it on the table!"

* * *

Everyone took Itachi's advice and worked hard to finish the dinner. While all of this was going on, Pein quietly snuck up to the room where Konan was was watching television. "Come downstairs!" he demanded. Sighing, Konan followed.

"I wonder what craziness these guys did this time... hope it's not more false accusations of adultery," she thought. However, when she saw the banner reading "Happy Anniversary Pein and Konan", the pile of presents, and the dinner, she drew in her breath sharply.

"Oh wow..." she breathed.

"Are you speechless?" Pein asked eagerly.

"Yeah... our anniversary is tomorrow!"

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Once again, this chapter comes from something that actually happened. Three years ago, my father went on a rampage trying to make a nice dinner for my mom on their anniversary, but then, when my mom realized what happened, she was shocked. Mainly because my parents' anniversary was the next day... xD. Thanks for reading!

-Kaboom


	10. Chapter 10

The Big Love

Chapter Ten: In Which There Are Financial Problems

Konan was enjoying the day very much. For once in her life, her many squabbling husbands had bein minding their Ps and Qs, and had more or less stayed out of each others hair. Happily, she sat down with her book. For the first time in what seemed like a milennium, she had time to read a book, and actually finish it. After a while, she set it down and stretched luxuriously. "I suppose I should go start dinner... it's my night, isn't it? All I know is that I refuse to eat Kisame's frozen Fish Food Casserole..." she mumbled to herself.

"However, when she was on the stairs, a bloodcurdling scream nearly made her fall down the stairs in shock. She sprinted down to find Kakuzu clutching a piece of paper and looking as though someone had kicked him in the gonads. "What's wrong?!" she demanded to know. Kakuzu said nothing, but extended the paper to Konan, who took it. As she scanned it, her eyes bugged out.

"The... utitility bill..." she whispered. "How did it get to be ten thousand dollars?"

"I don't know," Kakuzu croaked. "All I know is that it's time for some serious budget cuts."

* * *

That evening, Konan called everyone together. "I have something very inmportant to discuss with all of you."

"Are we upgrading to satellite television?" Sasori asked. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"We already have satellite television, dumbass. You thought you broke it last week," he retorted.

"Oh yeah."

"Do you want some jewelry? Because that can be arranged," Deidara stated. "What is it? Diamonds? Sapphires? Amethysts?"

"No. You morons ran up a ten-thousand dollar utility bill. Now, instead of using electricity, we'll be using candles. No television, or computer. Showers will be limited to three minutes of cold water. Cooking will be done over an open fire. No running the heater or air conditioner. If I find out that you idiots violate these guidelines, there will be consequences. Got it?" Konan barked out the list of orders one after the other, and everyone stared at each other, terrified.

"You... plan to cut us off frokm all utilities?" Dark Zetsu asked, a look of horror crossing his face.

"You're on crack!" Hidan exploded. "Three-minute cold showers? Did you lose your mind? I need at LEAST fifteen minutes!"

"Yeah! Three minutes is nowhere near enough time for me to wash my hair!" Deidara shrieked.

"Will you listen to me for a minute or two?" Konan replied. "Deidara, I know for a fact that you like to take hour-long showers."

"Yeah, so? You want to join me?" Deidara answered, trying to sound seductive. Konan rolled her eyes.

"Yeah right. So you cost us about seventy-five dollars every time you do so. Hidan, I know that you like to leave all of the lights on when you're praying," Konan continued.

"Of course! I have to illuminate the room the way I illuminate my soul!" Hidan replied.

"Of course," Konan repeated. "Well, don't do it. It's expensive."

"But-" Hidan began before he was cut off.

"No buts," Konan interrupted. "We cannot afford a ten-thousand dollar utilities bill, are you crazy? We are going to drastically cut our use of them to save money."

* * *

And just like that, the Era of Extreme Economic Cutbacks at the Akatsuki Lair began. And just like that, the fights broke out.

"Yo, fucker, hurry up. I've got to take a piss," Hidan barked through the bathroom door.

"Sorry Hidan, I can't find the shower tap in the candelight," Itachi called back. "Kakuzu bought the cheapest candles he could find, and the lighting sucks."

"How difficult is it to find a fucking tap?" Hidan wondered. There was a clunk, and some muted swearing. "Uh, Itachi?"

"I'm fine... I just tripped."

Elsewhere in the house, Sasori was bemoaning the loss of his beloved television. "Can't I just watch ten minutes of CNN?" he begged his wife. "How else am I supposed to get the news?"

"It's called a newspaper," Konan sighed. "We're trying to keep costs down. No TV."

"I can't freaking cook over this fire!" Zetsu complained, trying to spit-roast something that looked suspiciously like a foot. "Nothing ever cooks evenly! Parts of the food are charred, and others are raw! It's nasty!"

"Konan, this is ridiculous!" Deidara whined. "I haven't been able to properly wash my hair in ages! And that water is ICY-un!"

"Uh, Konan?" Kakuzu asked quietly. "I took another look at the bill again."

"And?" Konan asked.

"It's the bill for the Yukimi Hotel up the street. You know, that really expensive place that costs a year's income to stay at? Yeah. It's not our bill."

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, We panicked over nothing. Here's the real bill," Kakuzu replied, holding out another bill. Konan snatched it and scanned it, resisting the urge to bang her head on the wall.

"Only two hundred..." she muttered. "I guess we can go back to normal utility usage."

"YAY!" everyone cheered in unison.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Global economic crisis. Rising prices of just about everything. I was at the grocery store and stuff that used to cost 99 cents when I was a little kid now costs nearly four dollars. It's crazy.

That's what inspired this chapter- it's kind of a depressing topic, but... it's a topic that I think everyone can relate to. At least, for them, the high prices turned out to be a mistake. Now if only the price of gas and food was a mistake...

-Kaboom


	11. Chapter 11

The Big Love

Chapter Eleven: In Which The Mother-In-Law Arrives (part 1)

"Guys, guess what?" Konan asked one day at dinner.

"What?" Pein asked.

"My mother just emailed me to say she is coming for a visit," Konan replied. "I need all of your help to make this lair presentable. My mom is... very picky. I don't know if you guys remember from the last time she was here."

"The last time she was here you went on a marriage rampage and married all of us! What's next, you're going to kidnap random guys and marry them too?" Tobi shrieked. "No! No! You already have enough husbands! I don't want to have to share my wife anymore than I already have to!"

"Calm down, Tobi. I'm done marrying. I don't need any more husbands. I have too many already. I just want to make sure that my mom thinks that I chose good husbands. I don't want her to get on my case about marrying a bunch of deadbeats. And knowing my mother, no matter what we do, she'll still think that nothing I do is right."

"Don't worry," Itachi said consolingly. "We will take care of everything. Little old ladies don't phase us."

"YEAH!" everyone chimed in. "Don't worry, Konan," Light Zetsus said. "We'll make sure that everything goes well."

"Nothing is going to go wrong," Hidan reassured her. "Well, at least if it's smart, it won't go wrong."

"I will take care of you-un," Deidara added.

* * *

However, as everyone stood at the bottom of the driveway two days later, they all felt less brave then their earlier words made it seem. Waiting for the taxi that would be bringing the mother-in-law, Hidan fiddled with his pendant. "Do you think that Konan's mother will think that her daughter made an acceptable choice in husbands?"

"That's really uncharacteristic of you to be worried about something like that," Itachi replied, chewing on his tie mindlessly. "But I understand... I don't want her to look down on us. My gradmother always liked to nitpick at my mother, and my other grandmother liked to nitpick at my father."

"I think it's pretty much a given that mothers-in-law are picky," Zetsu's light side said. "Yeah! My sister's mother-in-law was a crazy bitch! She didn't want to to sleep in the guest room when she went for Thanksgiving, and she made my little niece sleep on the sofa," Zetsu's dark side raged. "Now, now," his light side tried to calm him down. "You know Hinagiku-nee-san divorced his ass... and therefore divorced the mother-in-law."

"Someone take our schizophrenic away before the mother-in-law gets here! We can't have Zetsu arguing with himself when she shows up! Cut it out, Zetsu, I don't want the mother-in-law to think that her daughter married a mental asylum!"

"Just calm down," Sasori said calmly. "Come on, she's a little old lady that's coming to visit, not the President! How bad can one old granny be?"

"Obviously you've never dealt with a mother-in-law before," Tobi said nervously.

"The mother-in-law is one of the most terrifying creatures on Jashin-sama's green earth!" Hidan replied. "Seriously. They are scary!" Suddenly, a taxi appeared at the corner of the street and screeched to a halt at the bottom of the driveway. Everyone sucked in their breath, nervous, and Konan's mother got out of the car. She was short, and her poofy gray hair stood up at odd angles.

"Hmf," said she. "None of you look particularly impressive... what was my daughter thinking? But no matter. Which one of you is the father of my grandchild?" she demanded to know.

"..." was the general response.

"Well, was it you, fish face?" she asked, addressing Kisame, who bristled at being called "fish face".

"No!" he vehemently denied.

"What about you, ginger-top?" she asked Sasori, who recoiled in shock. "You look like you'd be a good father for a grandchild!"

"Oh, no, m'am," Sasori replied politely. Konan's mother scanned the group of men.

"You mean to say that none of you impotent mooches have given me a grandbaby?" she asked, vitriolic anger spewing from her lips for no apparent reason. "You all need to get some Viagra or something!" She turned to Hidan and smirked.

"You," she said. "YOU are going to be the father of my first grandchild!"

"UH!?" Hidan gasped.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Poor Hidan. Crazy old ladies that want grandchildren are... scary, to say the least.

-Kaboom


	12. Chapter 12

The Big Love

Chapter Twelve: In Which The Mother-In-Law Arrives (part 2)

Hidan gaped. This old lady couldn't possibly have said what he thought she just did, but then, she repeated herself. "A handsome young man like yourself would be the perfect father for my grandchild!" Luckily, before anything else was said, Konan came running outside to greet her mother.

"Mom, you are looking well," she said. Konan's mom harrumphed.

"I'd be looking better if you and one of these couch potatoes had managed to give me a grandbaby. Seriously, Konan? All these husbands and no kids?"

"Mama..." Konan began warningly. But her mother payed her no mind.

"Now this one here," she said, pointing to Hidan. "He's cute, strong-looking, and I'm sure he's a better husband than the rest of these slackers. Especially you, planty." She jabbed a finger at Zetsu who looked a little confused.

"Huh? What did I do?" his light side asked.

"Your mother's name is Nadeshiko, right?"

"What's it to you?" Dark Zetsu snapped, suddenly defensive.

"I hate that woman," Konan's mother replied snottily. "Ever since Academy days..." But she stopped there and re-addressed Konan. "Anyway, silvery here looks vaugely familiar... maybe I know his family? Or he was an underwear model... he's definitely attractive enough. HE will be the father of my grandchild!" Hidan looked like he'd just landed on another planet, and Kakuzu snickered quietly.

"Uh, Ms. Konan's Mother-" Hidan began before he was interrupted.

"Please. Call me Rina," the old woman replied, almost flirtatiously. "May I have your name, honey?"

"Uh, it's Hidan, but that's not the point! Konan and I- well, really, Konan and all of us, we're not ready to be parents," he said, struggling to be polite.

"Yeah, Ms. Rina," Deidara cut in. "Hidan would be a lousy parent. He's obnoxious, belongs to a weird religion, and has terrible language! He curses a blue streak-un!"

"And you, Blondie? What authority do you have to make that statement?" Konan's mother accused.

"I'm Deidara, Konan's number-three husband!" Deidara replied proudly. Konan's mother looked at the assembled group, and then looked back at Deidara.

"How can I be sure that you're not a wife? You look definitely female to me," she said. Deidara blanched.

"I'm male-un."

"We shall see... now one of you get my luggage!"

* * *

Two days later, just about everyone had had enough of Konan's mom. "She hogged the bathroom for three hours and I really had to pee!" Tobi lamented.

"You think that's bad?" Sasori replied irritably. "The other day she wandered in to my workroom and messed everything up! It took HOURS to get everything straightened up again! _AND_ she left Little Debbie snack cake wrappers all over the place! I'm STILL finding them in stupid places!"

"I went iin my room to pack for that mission Kisame and I are going on in a week," Itachi began darkly. "And I found her in my drawers, rifling through my boxers!" Everyone gasped.

"Why?" Deidara wanted to know.

"Do you think she's a female panty thief?" Tobi asked nervously.

"You idiot, that's not a panty thief, that's a boxer thief!" Deidara yelled.

"I have no idea..." Itachi replied. "But I want to figure it out. It was unnerving, to say the least."

"Stop complaining," Hidan groused. "At least you don't have to listen to her tell you fifty thousand fucking times a day how much she wants a grandchild! It's getting really annoying! I can't go ANYWHERE in the fucking house without her popping up next to me and dropping not-so-subtle hints about what I should be doing. Or, more specifically, _who_ I should be doing."

"But she blew up my sculpture!" Deidara whined.

"So? Those crazy sculptures of yours always explode," Itachi said. Deidara glared.

"I was still building it-un!"

"Ow..." everyone winced.

"Come on, Deidara. Let's not turn this in to the 'my hardship is worse than your hardship' game, OK?" Sasori said.

"Fine," Deidara muttered.

"OK, I think it's time we forumulated a plot to send this crazy bitch home, don't you?" Hidan asked.

"But she IS our mother-in-law... I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Tobi replied doubtfully. "And Konan obviously loves her very much."

"Be that as it mayn" Itachi answered. "I just don't think that I can put up with much more than this!" Deidara nodded.

"Me too," he added. Hidan smirked.

"OK. Listen to me."

* * *

Elsewhere in the house Konan and her mother sat down for a cup of tea. "Oh Konan," the old lady sighed. "Out of all the men in the world you had to marry the Moron Brigade. Why did my child fall so low?"

"Mother, they might be stupid, and they squabble all the time and they fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash, and they always leave the toilet seat up. I hate these things about them, but all in all, they are great people," Konan replied cooly.

"But Konan- they're all so useless! Why would they stay here? I don't think they love you!"

"Mama-" Konan interrupted. "I really don't even know what you are talking about. I am going to have to ask you to leave my home. You have been harassing my husbands."

"You can't kick me out! I'm your mother!"

"Mom, please. You were looking through Itachi's boxer drawer. Why?"

"I was looking for drugs! You never know and his eyes are always red! It was very suspicious!" Konan's mother replied heatedly.

"HE HAS THE SHARINGAN!" Konan screamed.

"Well..."

* * *

"All right, guys, are you ready?" Hidan asked. "Let's send this crazy bitch home!"

To Be Continued


	13. Chapter 13

-

The Big Love

In Which The Mother-In-Law Arrives (final part)

"Are you sure that we should be doing this?" Tobi asked. "I mean, she IS an old lady, not to mention our wife's mother."

"Don't worry about. We'll make it up to Konan eventually... we just need to focus on getting that crazy-ass bitch out of my house!" Hidan replied. Itachi sniffed.

"It's not only your house," he said. "But I do with you... it's time for our mother-in-law to go home, where she belongs! She has worn out her welcome a long time ago!"

"Let's do this, then," Deidar said, hefting up the trunk that contained Konan's mother's stuff. "Someone get the door for me, will you-un?"He chucked the trunk on to the lawn and it burst open. Laundry flew everywhere.

"Oh shit..." Hidan breathed as he watched a bra and two T-shirts sink into a mud puddle. "Konan is going to fucking kill us, you know!?"

"Let's get out of here!"Tobi exclaimed.

"Let's haul ass-un!" Deidara added. The team of four rule-breakers didn't need to be told twice, as they all scuttled off in different directions, hoping that their crime wouldn't be noticed for a while at least.

* * *

"Guys? What the hell did you?" Pein asked. "There's laundry all over the lawn!"

"We look like a house full of panty thieves since there's underwear all over the fucking lawn!" Zetsu's dark side snapped. "Konan is going to be mad at you idiots!" his light side sneered. "You're going to get us all in trouble!" "Oh shut up, nothing is going to happen to us!" Dark Zetsu snapped back, setting off a storm of arguing with himself.

"Did we ever hear back from that psychiatrist about meds for Zetsu?" Hidan asked Kakuzu. "Because I think he needs them!"

"Just ignore him... he burns out eventually."

* * *

"Konan, just listen to me. Your husbands are a bunch of sofa-surfing idiots! All except for one- what was his name again? Hidan? That man would be an excellent father for a grandchild!" Konan's mother exclaimed.

"Mother!-"

"Just listen to me, young lady. You must divorce your crazy husbands and leave this place. Find a new husband- ONE new husband- marry, and raise a child. You do not need to resort to polygamy."

"Mama." Konan's voice was hard. "There is no reason for me to divorce them. I know that everyone here now has one reason to stay. Now that I am married to them, they have a reason to stay here and help me achieve my goals."

"And what goals would those be?" Konan's mother scoffed.

"World domination," Konan said simply.

"Oh, my daughter, you still haven't given up on that futile dream yet?"

"Mother, the door is that way," Konan replied. "You have shown my husbands and me no respect while you were in here, so I am going to have to ask you to leave. Your constant harrasment has started to wear on Hidan, and Sasori is getting ready to kill something since you keep leaving Little Debbie snack cakes all over his room. You shouldn't even be in there!" Konan's mother looked at her daughter.

"Fine. But don't think that this discussion is over, young lady. I'll be back!"

"Whatever mom. You can come back when you're ready to behave like a mature adult," Konan replied coldly. Her mother looked affronted.

"You can't tell me to be a mature adult!"

"Goodbye, mother." The old lady stalked to the front door, threw it open, and stomped on to the porch only to do a double-take.

"WHY ARE MY CLOTHES ALL OVER THE LAWN!?!!?"

Elsewhere, Hidan, Tobi, Deidara and Itachi all high-fived each other. "Oh yeah!"Tobi cheered.

"Ha! Hah! Nothing she does is going to upset me anymore!" Hidan yelled. "BECAUSE THE ANNOYING BITCH IS OUT OF HERE!"

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

And so ends the Mother-In-Law arc. But don't worry... SHE'LL BE BACK!

For some reason I found a lot of grammar errors when I typed this up, but I think I got them all. If for some reason I didn't feel free to point them out to me. Oh, and if I hear "Whatever You Like" on the radio one more time I think I'm going to have to shoot something. I hate that song and I've heard it played about a thousand times today. :(

-Kaboom


	14. Chapter 14

The Big Love

Chapter Fourteen: In Which Itachi Thinks Some Things Over

Even though Konan's mother had left, Itachi had decided something. He could no longer tolerate that woman, and he knew that even though they had won this particular battle, keeping Konan's mother away for good was nothing but a pipe dream. Did he really want to spend the rest of his life fighting over his wife with a bunch of other men? Did he really want to spend the rest of his life wondering what he could have done if he hadn't married his superior in the organization?

What if he had found someone who he _really_ loved, someone who understood him. Someone he didn't need to share. Visions of himself lounging on a sofa with some anonymous woman filled his head. He decided that it was time he figured out what the best course of action was.

"Earth to Itachi!" someone yelled, waving a hand in front of his face. Itachi looked up and glared at Tobi.

"What is your problem?" he asked irately. Tobi tilted in an attempt to look innocent (which failed miserably due to the fact that his basketball-like orange mask was in the way).

"You were staring off into space so I thought I would make sure that you were alright," cam the reply. Itachi sighed.

"I guess I've been thinking..." he said cautiously. "Do you ever regret getting married?"  
"Why would I?" Tobi asked. "I have a great wife, and you do too!"

"That's the thing," Itachi answered. "'You do too!' We have the SAME wife, and not only do the two of us have the same wife, so does everyone else in this house! It's obviously not the best deal. I keep thinking: What if I had found someone else? Someone I love more than anything else. Someone who is more important to me than my own life. What am I supposed to do? Just go back to Konan, who I have to share?" Tobi gaped.

"You mean... you're thinking of divorce?"

Divorce. It was such a final, harsh word. Itachi hadn't wanted to think of the "d-word", but it seemed as though it was the only logical conclusion. Divorce. Damn.

"I guess... maybe I am thinking of divorce after all. What if I find someone I love, but I have to tell her, 'Oh sorry, I'm already married to a woman who has seven other husbands, but I love you anyway!' How would you want to do that? Would YOU date a woman who was one of eight wives?" Tobi shook his head.

"I wouldn't be in that situation in the first place, since I wouldn't be anywhere near a woman other than my wife."

"You're too good. You are such a good boy," Itachi said derisively.

"You know, Itachi, I'm not naive," Tobi began. "I know that you and the others think I am stupid, but I understand the importance of a decision like the one you are about to make. It's not a decision you should make lightly, or out of anger, or while drunk. And what if you divorce, but then find no one? Or she decides to kick you out. What are you going to do if you lose your income due to this."

"I... I hadn't thought about that," Itachi replied haltingly. Tobi nodded.

"You probably should. At least have some idea of what you're going to do in case of that happening," he replied. "Well, Itachi, not matter what you decide, I hope that you are happy with it." Itachi felt a sudden surge of affection for the basketball-head. Sure, Tobi was irritating, but if this was anything to go by, the guy actually had some good advice.

"Thank you," Itachi muttered. "Thanks, Tobi. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone."

"Of course," Tobi replied.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

A slightly more serious topic is contained in the next few chapters, but it's still going to be pretty crack-ified.

In other news, I've been listening to dramatic readings of the famous horrible fic _My Immortal_. It inspires me to not suck at writing as much as I do. At least I'm not THAT bad... or am I? Just kidding. But seriously, that is complete and utter shit. Hilarious, but really, really bad. And I don't think it's hosted up here on FFnet anymore. Too bad...

Ah, I'm rambling now. I'll shut up.

-Kaboom


	15. Chapter 15

The Big Love

Chapter Fifteen: In Which Konan Is Suspicious

True to his word, Tobi didn't say anything. However, everyone knew that obviously, something was going on with Itachi. He rarely, if ever, interacted with the others, and he was constantly on the Internet or curled up with law books.

"Does Itachi want to be a lawyer or something?" Zetsu's light side asked one day at dinner.

"What are you talking about?" Deidara asked, confused.

"Don't pretend you haven't noticed," Kisame said irritably. "Every time I've seen him recently, he's been reading some law book or other. I think he's going to do something so amazing illegal that he's scared he's going to get caught. He'ss trying to prepare his defense at trial."

"That's just stupid," Zetsu's dark side snapped. "Itachi wouldn't get caught. He's not stupid."

"I know he's not stupid, but Kisame has a point," Pein replied. "What if he has decided that he wants to atone for everything he's done, so he's trying to figure out the crime with the harshest punishment?"

"That makes absolutely no sense..."

"Will all of you stop speculating about things that do not concern you? I don't think Itachi wants you all prying into his business. What's going on is between Itachi and Itachi only." When Konan spoke, everyone stopped arguing. However, even though she had chastised her husbands for speculating, she herself was curious. So she made up her mind to figure out what exactly was going on with Itachi.

* * *

Itachi sighed and stretched out in his chair, scattering paperwork everywhere. He had dozed off... how long had he been napping? Maybe an hour? Offhand, he glanced at the Hello Kitty alarm clock that Kakuzu had picked up at a yard sale for twenty-five cents, and did a double take. It couldn't possibly be 7:30 PM already, could it? He had retreated into his room to study divorce laws at 11:00, lunchtime.

"Shit!" he swore. He was never going to hear the end of this one, and he already knew that some of his fellow husbands were _very _curious as to what he had been doing when he w as locked up. Thankfullly, Tobi had respected his wishes and remained mum, but it didn't keep the others from getting nosy. "Oh well," he muttered. "I'd better get dressed and get some dinner."

Sneakily, he stepped out into the hallway and walked to the kitchen, hoping that no one would notice him.

"Hey, it emerged!" Inwardly, Itachi groaned. Hidan. The last person he wanted to deal with at the moment. "So, Itachi, did you finally get tired of masturbating to porn on the Internet?" Itachi glared, but Hidan ignored him. "So, what site was it?"

"Shut it," Kakuzu came to Itachi's rescue. "You don't need to tell all of us about your taste in erotic videos. I'm sure whatever Itachi was doing was none of your business."

"Thank you," Itachi replied, helping himself to some rice. What a pain in the ass. He wanted to go back upstairs and do more research, but he thought it would be expedient to stay downstairs at dinner and try to talk to the others to throw them off the trail of suspicion.

"Hey, Itachi, do you want to get your hair cut this weekend?" Deidara asked. "I have two free coupons-un!" Grateful for the distraction, he and Deidara fell into discussing the merits of different hair salons.

Meanwhile, Konan took advantage of the situation to go upstairs and peek inside Itachi's room. She wasn't going to spy on him, just take out the trash (at least, that was her excuse), but something caught her eye.

"_Common Civil Law in the Fire Country Area?"_ she muttered, examining the oversized tome. She flipped it open to the dog-eared page, and gasped. "Applying for DIVORCE?"

Once Deidara and Itachi had set up their weekend plans, Itachi slunk back upstairs to his room, and stopped in his tracks, his blood running cold. Konan was standing outside of his room his room, carrying his law book.

"Are you really that unhappy that you want a divorce?" she asked.

To Be Continued


	16. Chapter 16

The Big Love

Chapter Sixteen: In Which A Bomb Is Dropped

Itachi bowed his head. Honestly, he wasn't feeling well enough to try to lie to Konan about the papers. "It's not that I am unhappy, it's just that I think I would be happier if I wasn't married to a polygamist. Being in a plural marriage... it is not for me." Konan nodded.

"Why didn't you say something before, then?" she asked quietly. "If you were really unhappy, why didn't you end it before now?"

"Because I was unsure. I still am," Itachi replied. Konan's mouth pressed into a thin line.

"Itachi, this isn't fair to me. I thought that you were happy. If you really wish to divorce, then we should divorce." But she looked very sad at the prospect and added, "Although I don't _want_ to divorce." Itachi bowed.

"Yes, I realize that. All right. Konan, will you give me two days to think about this? When the two days are up I will tell you my decision." Konan nodded.

"That is fair. Two days. Then I need an answer."

–

* * *

The first day passed very uneventfully. Itachi stayed locked up in his room like a hermit, and Konan seemed to be brooding. Deidara didn't like this turn of events too much.

"Stupid Itachi!" he complained. "Konan is worried, and I haven't seen the crazy bastard in _days_! Something is going on and the rest of us are being kept out of the loop!"

"I'm not complaining," Hidan replied. "That's one less stupid fucker I have to deal with."

"YOU'RE the stupid fucker," Kakuzu shot back. "I wish that you would follow Itachi's example and lock yourself away."

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan yelled. Kakuzu snorted.

"Real mature of you, you know that?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Hidan reiterated. Kisame rolled his eyes.

"You both are being very immature about this whole thing," he said. "The both of you need to shut up."

"Kisame is right!" Konan spat, standing up from her seat. "I don't want to deal with this right now! I don't feel well and I don't want to deal with your stupid spats!"

"What's with her?" Hidan asked quietly once his wife was safely out of earshot.

* * *

Even so, Konan was a little worried. Her period was very late, and she had indeed been feeling ill the past few days. Even though she knew she needed to take take a test, she already knew the result: She was with child. All it took was one test. When the little pink plus sign appeared, she knew. Indeed, she was going to have a baby, and she had no idea who the father was. Father. Her calm acceptance turned to absolute horror in a second. Itachi was planning to leave. What if the baby was _his?_ Almost running, she moved quickly down the hallway to find Itachi's room.

"What?" Itachi asked when she pounded on his door.

"Have you made a decision yet?" she asked.

"Yes," Itachi replied.

"You can't leave, Itachi." Her voice was flat. "You can't leave because I am pregnant."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Yes it's short but I've been awake for almost 24 hours straight and my brain isn't functioning at full capacity. The only thing that's keeping me from falling asleep on the keyboard is the can of coffee milk I drank 15 minutes ago. Again, I apologize for the short length.

-Kaboom


	17. Chapter 17

The Big Love

Chapter Seventeen: In Which The News is Spread

Itachi gaped at her. "P-pregnant?" he stammered. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes, that's what I said," Konan replied patiently. "And until the baby is born, I'd appreciate it if you stayed here. You know, so we can tell who's baby it is." Itachi nodded wordlessly. Konan continued, "If it turns out that the baby is yours, well, we'll figure that out when we come to it."

"Have you... told the others?" Itachi managed to choke out. Konan shook her head.

"No. Not yet. But I will. In fact, that's what I was was going to do once I spoke to you. Please, Itachi, wait to leave. At least wait until we know who's child it is." Itachi moved forward to embrace his wife.

"Of course!" he exclaimed, placing a hand on her stomach. "I had decided to stay anyway, but now, I have more reasons for staying! Even if the child is not mine, I will attempt to be the best father I can be." Konan smiled, a few tears leaking from her eyes.

"Thank you..." she whispered. "I'm sorry I've been such a bad wife for you."

"You haven't been a bad wife," Itachi said honestly. "But you have a whole mess of bad husbands. And I count myself among them." Konan laughed through her tears.

"You're not so bad. At least you don't snore like Hidan."

"Hidan snores?" Itachi asked.

"Like a lawn mower."

"Hmm... maybe this kid is mine after all. I don't think that kid is going to snore!" Itachi exclaimed.

"I have no idea what you just said or what it was supposed to mean," Konan giggled. "But I'm happy that you decided to stay."

"Well, I just needed a little time to make sure I was at the right point in my life," Itachi replied, suddenly serious. "I needed to make sure that life wasn't passing me by."

"You're a little young to be having a mid-life crisis, Itachi," Konan replied. "You're only in your twenties!" Itachi smiled.

"I suppose. Now if you'll excuse me, I have law books to put away. You'd better go tell everyone else the news."

- -

It was with some trepidation that Konan shuffled down the staircase. She wasn't a hundred-percent sure as to how her husbands would react to the news of a child on the way. If they still felt the same way that they had before when they thought she was pregnant, then chances were that they would be thrilled. But, as always, there was a bit of nagging doubt at the back of her mind. With a group as unpredictable as her husbands, who knew? She still remembered the Great Sofa Disaster that hap happened before they were married. Tobi had lousy taste in furniture, and once brought home an obnoxious traffic cone orange and lemon yellow sofa he'd picked up off the side of the road.

Initially, everyone had loved it. The next morning, Pein and Tobi were embroiled in a huge fight over the couch as to whether they could keep it or not. Eventually Kakuzu sold it on Craigslist but the idea behind it was still there: like it or lump it, these guys were extremely fickle people. Before she knew it, she was standing in the family room, staring off in to space while her husbands stared at her.

"Can I speak to you all for a moment?" she asked. Everyone nodded wordlessly, a little weirded out by the fact that Konan had just stood there staring off in to space for what seemed like an eternity. Everyone faced her expectantly and she sighed. "Um... well... this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm pregnant." Immediately, the room erupted in pandemonium.

"EXCELLENT!" Tobi shouted.

"Yeah! I'm going to be a father-un!" Deidara rejoiced. Everyone else voiced similar ideas of happiness, but Konan couldn't breathe a sigh of relief just yet. There was one more thing.

"I'm not sure which of you is the father."

"Whatever!" Sasori said. "We'll find that out when the baby is born."

"You don't want a paternity test?" Konan asked incredulously. Hidan looked at her.

"If we had a test now it's likely that we'd all kill each other. It's best for everyone if we wait," he replied, his speech strangely profanity-free. "Now you go and focus on resting. You shouldn't push yourself."

"We're going to need to buy pre-natal vitamins, and baby stuff..." Kakuzu was running a mental calculator on all of the stuff that they would need to purchasse. "Do we know the gender yet?"

"No," Konan said.

"OK, so we'll need to buy things in yellow and green..." he rambled off, muttering about how important nice things were for babiues. Konan sunk into a chair. They were taking this much better than she had hoped.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

Before anyone asks, yes, I do know what the gender of the baby is going to be, and I have decided who the father is. But, it is a surprise, so it's a secret for now, anyway. :)

Again, the couch described is based off of a real couch. The fugly couch in this chapter is almost an exact description of the couch in my friend's apartment. And yes, he did get it off Craigslist. It might seem strange that all the furniture described in my stories are based off real, really ugly furniture, but some of it's too good to pass up.

...Why am I telling you this?

-Kaboom


	18. Chapter 18

The Big Love

Chapter Eighteen: In Which The House Goes Baby Crazy

In the next few days, a number of crazy things happened. Within four hours after getting the news that he might be a father, Deidara had run up a nearly four thousand dollar credit card bill on . "Are you crazy?" Kakuzu yelled. "We don't even know what gender the baby is and you bought expensive, high-end baby clothes! What are you going to do if you buy clothes for the wrong gender?" Deidara just smirked.

"Don't worry, Kakuzu, I bought clothes for both genders," he replied.

"You moron!" Kakuzu exclaimed. "What are the odds that she'll have twins?"

"But you don't understand!" Deidara shouted. "We can keep the extra clothes for the next little one-un!"

"Actually, that makes sense..." Kakuzu muttered. "Just keep your expenditures in the realm of a healthy budget, OK?"

Elsewhere, Zetsu was arguing with Hidan. Well, it was more along the lines of Light Zetsu vs. Dark Zetsu vs. Hidan. "I like Mimiko for a girl the best!" Light Zetsu said. "I want my daughter to be named Mimiko! And my daughter _will_ be named Mimiko!" "You're crazy, you know that? _My _daughter will be named Nagi," Dark Zetsu refuted.

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan retorted. "If _my_ child is a girl, her name would be Tenma, after my mother! And if my baby is a boy, his name will be Hidan Jr!"

"Yeah, sure," Light Zetsu replied sarcastically. "As if I'm gonna let my son be named something ridiculous like that!" "Yeah!" Dark Zetsu yelled. "My son's name would be Fusao!" "Where did you get that crazy name? My son's name should be Zetsu Jr!" Light Zetsu said. Hidan just shook his head.

"Crazy..." he mumbled. "Only Zetsu can have an argument with himself and lose." Just then, the door opened and Kisame and Itachi entered, carrying a large box. Zetsu and Hidan stared.

"What the fuck is that?" he asked.

"Cradle. We went to Ikea," came Itachi's terse reply.

"The hell we need a cradle for?" Dark Zetsu asked. "Konan is not going to deliver for a while."

"It was on sale," Kisame explained. "We figured after Deidara spent all of that money on baby clothes it would be smarter if we got cheap stuff."

"Good idea," Hidan agreed.

"Now, you gonna help us set it up or what?"

* * *

Elsewhere in the house, Tobi and Sasori were arguing over what color to paint the baby's room. "Pink and blue stripes!" Tobi exclaimed. "That way it will work for either gender!"

"No, you're going to give the poor kid gender confusion! Besides, it's too much effort. Let's just paint it yellow and be done with it."

Upstairs, Konan sat, reading her book, and thinking. When the baby was born, what was going to happen? Would her husbands accept the child as all of theirs, or would it just cause further divisions? She knew that Kisame was fiercely territorial when it came to some things, and if the child was his, was he going to allow the others to have an active role in rearing the kid? Kakuzu was, let's face it, one cheap bastard. If he didn't want to pay for stuff, what was going to happen to the child? Would it be able to get everything it needed? Whatever happened, she hoped against hope that everything would work out.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

For those of you that don't know, is a high-end retailer for baby clothes. They sell baby clothes from brands like Juicy Couture, Marc Jacobs, Lacoste, and other expensive brands. It wouldn't be that difficult to rack up a bill of four thousand dollars on that site...

-Kaboom


	19. Chapter 19

The Big Love

Chapter Nineteen: In Which We Pay A Visit to the Doctor

One day, Konan sat her husbands down together. "I am going to have a sonogram today," she said. "And I can only take one of you with me. So who's it going to be?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted phrasing them that way. Chaos erupted.

"Why can't we all go?" an indignant Tobi groused. "It's not fair that everyone gets to go!"

"Yeah!" Hidan agreed. "Why the fuck can't we all go to see our fucking kid?"

"Because," Konan authoritatively laid down the law. "You know polygamy is illegal! What would it look like if I, a married woman, came marching in there with the entire idiot brigade? They would be suspicious immediately."

"Uh," Light Zetsu suggested. "Couldn't you just say that you're not sure which of us is the father and we all we wanted to see the child which _might_ be ours?"

"That won't work," Konan replied flatly.

"Why not?" Dark Zetsu demanded to know.

"Because it's a religious medical practice," Konan explained. "If you're pregnant they won't treat you unless you're married. It's not my first choice of a doctor's office but Dr. Otsuka is booked until next August and I'm due before then. It's probably a good idea to get the checkup before the baby is born."

"That is wise," Kakuzu replied. "How much does this procedure cost?"

"If I show up with my husband," Konan explained, "free." Kakuzu nodded, and eeryone glared at each other.

"ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS TOURNAMENT GO!" someone yelled.

* * *

In the end, it was Deidara that won at Rock-Paper-Scissors and got to go with Konan to the appointment. "I'm sorry, we don't allow unmarried women to this practice," the receptionist said. Not surprisingly, Deidara took offense.

"I. AM. A. GUY!" he yelled, emphasising every word. "This is my wife, you idiot! And it wouldn't matter even if I _was _ a girl, you bigoted bitch-un! I'm here to help my wife!" The receptionist was taken aback.

"I'm sorry sir," she said nervously. "I'm only following orders... my boss says I'm not to admit unmarried people or those in other sinful relationships." Konan glared, both at Deidara and the receptionist.

"I told you that this was a religious practice, Deidara. I think it's affilated with those missionaries that knock on the door from time to time. I told you to be polite! And _you,_" she said, turning furiously to the receptionist, "That was uncalled for- it's impolite and obnoxious and impolite to make assumptions of someone's gender! And your boss is very rude and in violation of the Hippocratic Oath by not treating based one stupid reasons." Thoroughly shell-shocked, the receptionist admitted them to the exam room.

"Welcome," the doctor said. "Konan and her husband, I take it?"

"Yeah," Deidara muttered sullenly. "I'm the husband, just so youi know." Konan smacked him on the arm.

"Behave, Deidara."

"I get that," the doctor replied coldly. "Do you think I'm an idiot?" Deidara opened his mouth to say something, but a sharp look from Konan shut him up. The woman continued. "Ms. Konan, will you please get on the table? We are going to do a sonogram to make sure that everything is OK." Konan obliged, and winced as the chilly gel was put on her abdomen. The doctor looked at the monitor and pointed. "Right there. Do you see it? That's your baby's heart-beat."

"Damn..." Deidara breathed. "Look at that!"

"Yeah," Konan replied, equally in awe. "Damn is right! It's so tiny!"

"It's still too early to tell the gender," the doctor said. She was about to say something else, but Konan spoke first.

"Don't worry about it. We want to be surprised."

"All right. For this part of the examination I will have to ask your husband to step outside..."

–

Deidara slouched in a chair in the waiting room, thinking things over. "Holy crap!" he thought. "Konan is going to have a BABY." The idea of fatherhood suddenly hit him upside the head. And it was at that moment that Deidara decided that even if the child wasn't his, he was going to be the best father he could- better than his own, at least.

"Let's go," Konan said, jolting him out of his reverie. "We're done."

"Did everything turn out OK?" Deidara asked worriedly. "Everything is OK with the baby, right-un?"

"No worries. Everything checked out fine," Konan replied. "The doctor said that the baby is as healthy as it could be at this point in time. She also said I'm doing well!"

"That's great," Deidara sighed in relief. "Now let's get you home."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments:

We're on the home stretch now... just a few more chapters to go. :)

Sorry it took me so long to update... I've been a little busy. I have about six stories I'm working on at the moment that haven't been published yet, and they've been a huge-ass time suck, especially the original novel I'm working on. I'm regretting starting so much at once... oh well. What's done is done, and I can't go back in time. Even though that would be really kickass. I would totally go back and study more... maybe I wouldn't have failed English.

I'm rambling again, aren't I? Thanks for reading.

-Kaboom


	20. Chapter 20

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty: In Which The Mother-In-Laws Find Out

However, things were about to take a turn for the really, really weird. In his excitement about possibly being a father, Zetsu called his mother. "Mom! You're never going to believe this!" Light Zetsu cheered. "I'm going to be a father!"

"I'm going to have a grandbaby!" Mama Zetsu rejoiced on the other end of the phone line. "Wait for me, I'm coming for a visit!" And with that, she hung up the phone. Zetsu stared at it for a minute, then realized something.

"Oh crap. My mom is coming!"

* * *

"WHAT?" Hidan screeched. "You mean to tell us there's ANOTHER mother-in-law coming? I won't stand for it!"

"Can it," Kakuzu replied. "You know any of us could have family drop by at any time. You could even invite _your_ mother."

"No, I couldn't," Hidan said. "My mother went to be with Jashin-sama five years ago."

"I... uh... I'm sorry," Kakuzu replied, embarassed and ashamed of himself. How had he not known that? And did he have to be such an insensitive prick? Hidan annoyed him, sure, but he didn't want to bring up any painful emotions in the other. But not for long. Deidara interrupted the quiet with a loud laugh.

"Oh, Hidan's mother isn't dead... where does she work again? Blue Bunnie's?" he asked.

"How dare you disrespect my mother's memory...!?" Hidan blustered, visibly shaken. "Fucking asshole!"

"Memory, ha! Your mom works as a... _dancer_, shall we say at Blue Bunnie's," Deidara snarked, referencing a seedy nightclub on the outskirts of town. It was rumored that ladies of ill repute worked there, and that the nightclub was just a front, but any police raids returned null. "I don't even want to think about that, she must be what, seventy-un?"

"My mother is a good Jashinist woman!" Hidan howled. "Because she is a good Jashinist woman, she is immortal, and she doesn't look old!"

"Aha!" Deidara shouted. "The truth comes out!"

"Your mother's a hooker, Hidan?" Dark Zetsu exclaimed. "Holy shit- that explains so much about you."

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A HOOKER!" Hidan exploded. "Deidara's right, she _does_ work at Blue Bunnie's, but she is not a prostitute!"

"She's a pole dancer, then?" Deidara interrupted gleefully. Hidan glared.

"No, she's not a pole dancer, either. I really, really fucking hate you, Deidara."

With that somewhat disturbing bit of information about Hidan's mother in the foreground of his mind, Zetsu went to find Konan and tell her the news. And he hoped, no, _prayed_, that his own mother wasn't living a double life: a older plant lady who ran a garden center by day, then at night, morphed into a prostitute. That would be enough for him to need to kill himself.

"Uh, Konan?" he asked, knocking on the door to her room. The door opened, and Zetsu stepped inside. Konan was laying on the bed, looking exhausted.

"What is it?" she asked. "I want to sleep."

"My mother is coming to visit," Light Zetsu said. "And if I know my mother," Dark Zetsu elaborated, "she should be here in a couple of hours." Konan sighed.

"Fine," she said. "Get Pein to change the linens in the guest room. If he tries to weasel out of it, tell him I said he doesn't get to sleep in here for a week."

"All right," Zetsu said politely. "You rest now."

* * *

True to Zetsu's predictions, three hours later the doorbell rang, and a large plant-like woman entered the lair. "Wow, Zetsu, I love what you and Konan have done with the place!" she gushed. "I haven't seen this place in ages!"

"Hi Mama," both Zetsus said in unison as he went to hug his mom.

"Hello, Mama Zetsu, may I take your luggage?" Deidara asked politely. As opposed to Konan's mother, everyone had met Mama Zetsu before and they all liked her. At least she didn't run around yelling at everyone and trying to find every little fault.

"Why, hello, Deidara!" Mama Zetsu replied. "Are you sure that you don't mind?"

"Of course-un," Deidara said, taking the bags. "I'll put them in your usual room."

"Is Mama Zetsu here?" Itachi asked, hearing the commotion and poking his head outside of his room.

"Hi, Itachi!" the plant woman called back cheerily. "I brought your favorite chocolate chip cookies!"

"All right!" Itachi rejoiced. "You're the best, Mama Zetsu!"

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Konan's mother was standing there, breathing heavily as though she had just run a marathon, and dragging a suitcase behing her.

"NADESHIKO!" she yowled, addressing Mama Zetsu by her given name. "How DARE you?! You're here to interfere with the birth of my grandchild! Get out of here before I call the police on you!"

"Rina," Mama Zetsu replied coldly. "I was not expecting to see you here. What an... unpleasant surprise."

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Ah, yes, the dueling grandmas arc. Mama Zetsu and Konan's mother. You can also expect Hidan's mother to make an appearance in the coming chapters. And yes, you will be finding out what her _real_ profession is.

By the way, do any of you know what this "new feature" thing is that they've been talking about on the mainpage? I'm a little interested to figure out what it is exactly, but the admin is being very ambiguous about it.

-Kaboom


	21. Chapter 21

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty-One: In Which No Holds Are Barred

"You haven't changed, have you, Nadeshiko?" Konan's mother said derisively. "You always have to screw everything up. I know that you're here so you can _eat_ my grandchild! You plant-people are all the same!" Mama Zetsu was (quite understandably) affronted.

"I don't eat children," she said. "And don't worry, Rina, _nothing_ could make me want to eat you, hag."

"You always have been a bitch, Nadeshiko," Rina snarled before throwing her luggage on the floor. "You!" she barked at Itachi. "Take these and put them in the guest room." Itachi bristled at being ordered around by a woman he could barely tolerate, but Mama Zetsu stepped in.

"Don't you be ordering my sons-in-law around if we're not in your home!" she yelled. "You're not the queen of everything- it's not up to you!" Konan's mother looked around, and her eyes locked on Deidara, who clutched Mama Zetsu's bags defensively.

"I'd recognize those tacky polka-dot bags anywhere..." Konan's mother said. "Quite hypocritical of you to order that boy around and then tell me I can't do the same."

"Hey! I offered to take her bags-un!" Deidara shouted. "No one told me to do anything!"

"I see..." Konan's mother said skeptically. "Tell me, boy, how much did she pay you? I will quadruple the amount if you take my luggage." Of course, Kakuzu was never one to miss out on a money-making deal.

"She paid him $150!" he yelled, almost pushing Deidara down the stairs. "He can't do it- he's too worried about decency and such, but I will!" Before anyone could register what was going on, Kakuzu snatched the baggage and had zoomed down to the guest room with it, leaving everyone slightly stunned.

"Stupid money-grubbing bastard," Deidara muttered, struggling to right himself. Mama Zetsu looked outraged, but Zetsu just shook his head.

"Leave it, Mom," his light side said while his dark side added, "Deidara will live. He's already almost impossible to kill."

"Yeah, it's typical Kakuzu," Itachi scorned. "Always looking to make a quick buck." Suddenly, heavy footfalls sounded from upstairs, and Konan looked over the railing.

"Is my mother here?" she asked.

"Yeah!" By this point, her mother had emerged from the guest room. "Your husband...oh, which one was it...ah! Yes! Pein! He called me and told me the happy news, and I showed up here as fast as I could! And then I find this planty bitch here? WHAT were you thinking, daughter!?"

"Now, mama, everyone's parents are welcome in this house," Konan replied, sighing. "It doesn't matter! Obviously Ms. Zetsu wanted to spend some time here with her son, and that is perfectly acceptable." Konan's mother glared but said nothing. Well, at least for a few seconds, anyway.

"I don't want to see you at all while we're here, Nadeshiko," she adressed Mama Zetsu. "I hope you realize that this is _my_ grandchild."

"The feeling is mutual, Rina," Mama Zetsu said coldly before turning to Deidara. "Here, don't worry about it, I'll get those bags."

* * *

A few days passed, and the dueling old ladies mostly managed to stay out of each other's hair. But, as usual, the relative calm could not last. And the truce was broken for probably the most ridiculous reason ever: paint. Yes, you read that right. The warring soon-to-be grandmothers broke the truce over _paint._

It started when Konan asked Mama Zetsu's input on what color to paint the baby's room. Knowing that Mama Zetsu had several children and several grandchildren, she thought that she might be the best person to ask about something like this.  
"I like lavender for a baby's room," Mama Zetsu had said. "It is restful and I read in a magazine somewhere that it promotes sleep."

"Hmm... yeah, lavender is nice," Konan agreed.

"No, it's not, Konan!" her mother interrupted. "Lavender is all well and good if the baby is a _girl_, but not if the baby is a boy!" she shook her head. "The only option is to paint the room deep green. That's the only color acceptable for both genders."

"Rina..." Mama Zetsu said warningly.

"Don't you 'Rina' me! You know as well as I do that lavender is unnaceptable!"

"You are so arrogant, do you know that?" Mama Zetsu finally erupted. "Just because you managed to get 300 boyfriends while we were young doesn't mean shit! I thought age might have mellowed you out, but apparently not. You're still as annoying as ever. Oh, I take that back. You're old now, and still annoying!"

"Who are you to judge me when you haven't been in a stable relationship since Yasuaki died seventeen years ago? What are you, a praying mantis or black widow or something?" Konan's mother asked. Which was the worst thing she could have possibly said. The death of Zetsu's father seventeen years before was a topic that was sure to set Mama Zetsu off in a screaming rage.

"THAT'S IT, BITCH! I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU TAKE THAT BACK! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND?!"

"Bring it, bitch!" Konan's mother yelled.

* * *

While the granny smackdown was taking place, Hidan had sneaked out to the back with his cell phone, and dialed a number he knew by heart. Someone picked up on the first ring. "Who the fuck is this?" a female voice asked.

"Mom?" Hidan asked.

"Hidan! What the fuck are you calling me for? Are you OK?"

"Mom, I...I might be a father," Hidan said quickly. "My wife is pregnant, and we're not sure which of us is the father, but it might be me."

"No shit?! I have to come over and take care of my grandchild! I'll be there as soon as possible!" And with that, Hidan's mother hung up.

"Fuck..." Hidan mumbled, all the while hoping he'd be able to pass off any questions about his mother's profession, and praying that she would try to be at least a little bit classy. But frankly, he didn't have high hopes.

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Just to clarify, Hidan's mother's profession is not made perfectly clear yet. I will tell you right now that she is not a prostitute or stripper, though. Her job is not something you'd expect Hidan's mom to have, though. And as you can probably see, Hidan gets his gutter-mouth from her, at least a little. :P

-Kaboom


	22. Chapter 22

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty-Two: In Which The Unlikely Grandmother Arrives

Once the dust settled from Mama Zetsu and Konan's mother's fight, Hidan stepped inside and spoke to Konan in an undertone. "My mother wants to come for a visit."

"But isn't your mother..." Konan's voice trailed off slightly. Hidan nodded once and Konan winced. "Do you think she'll be able to behave herself?"

"Konan, you know my mother can't possibly be worse than your mother and Mama Zetsu. She might not be the classiest woman out there, but she truly is a good person."

"All right," Konan said, "I trust your judgement."

"Wait a minute!" Konan's mother interrupted. She had overheard the entire conversation. "You look familiar. What's your mother's name? You're attractive, but you remind me of someone. Don't tell me your mother's name is Tenma."

"What if it is?" Hidan replied defiantly. "Who cares what my mother's name is or what she does for a living? It's none of your fucking business."

"I can't believe I wanted my grandchild to have _you_ as the father! The son of a whore is not the acceptable father for my grandchild. Who knows if the sins of the parent have passed on to the son? And by default, your mother's problems would be passed on to my grandchild! I don't want him or her growing up to be a whore like Tenma!" Konan's mother yelled.

"Watch your fucking mouth," Hidan snarled. "Don't talk about my mother that way!"

"Yeah, who are you calling a whore?" a completely different voice asked. "Damn. Hidan, yuou didn't tell me that _this_ bitch was gonna be here." Everyone turned around and blinked. A young woman with approximately a half-ton of makeup was standing there, glaring at Konan's mother.

"Hello, Mom," Hidan sighed.

"Your mom?" Konan asked, confused. "Hidan, she looks the same age as you. How can she be your mom?"

"She's Jashinist, like me, so she has the eternal life," Hidan explained. "She doesn't age much."

"Yeah, I'm actually seventy-five," the woman replied, turning to Konan. "It's wonderful to finally meet you, Konan-san."

"Uh, thank you. It's nice to meet you too."

"Mom. How about I show you around?" Hidan suggested, desperately wanting to get away from Konan's mother before HIS mother did something to embarrass him, or Konan's mother upset her too much. Either situation would end badly.

"You wait just a minute, young man," Konan's mother said. "I'm not finished. What makes your whore of a mother think she has a right to appear in decent company, and around the unborn as well! I mean, she works at Blue Bunnie's!"

"I don't _work_ at Blue Bunnie's," the Jashinist's mother replied. "I _own_ it. It's a great source of revenue and it keeps me young."

"And besides," Itachi spoke up from his spot in the corner. He'd been watching everything unfold for a while. "Tenma-san's profession does not matter. All that matters is that she cares about the baby."

"Itachi-kun is right," Mama Zetsu said decisively. "Tenma-san, it's nice to meet you."

"Same here," Hidan's mother replied.

"Mother." Konan adressed her mom. "You will not say anything in complaint about my guests or you will be going home."

"If everything has been settled," Mama Zetsu interrupted, "We have a baby room to paint."

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

I started typing this up at 3:00 AM, so please excuse any mistakes. Normally I'd re-check this typed draft, but I'm not feeling the best and kind of want to catch up on the sleep I missed this morning, so if you see any errors please feel free to point them out.

We're nearing the end here- there's three more chapters left. Thanks to everyone who has read all the way through! I've had a lot of fun working on this story! :D

-Kaboom


	23. Chapter 23

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty-Three: In Which More Preparations Are Made

Konan didn't want any of the guys to miss out on the painting experience, so she called them all together to paint, which she instantly regretted. Pein, Tobi, and Deidara had a paint fight. Zetsu ate the paintbrush, the grannies and Kakuzu refused to help, and Itachi tripped over a bucket of pain, spilling it all over Kisame's feet. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the room was a nice pale yellow color. Of course, due to the paint fight, so was everything else.

"YOU IDIOTS!" Konan raged. "Sometimes you act like grade school students, I swear!"

"Ah, chill out, Ms. Pregnancy Hormones," Pein (rather stupidly) replied.

"You moron!" Deidara hissed. "She's going to kill you-un!" Konan sat down on a yellow chair (rather heavily- she was heavily pregnant) and glared at Pein.

"You wanna come on over here and say to me directly what you just said?" she asked, her eyes flashing dangerously. Pein gulped. Furious Konan was very scary, and he wasn't mentally prepared to deal with this.

"You're really not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, are you, Orangey?" Hidan's mother laughed from the corner. "You don't tell a pregnant woman she's hormonal! Honey, you picked a real winner," she said to Konan. "That boy is too stupid to not say idiotic things like calling his wife hormonal!"

"Mother! Be polite!" Hidan said, alarmed. But Konan just laughed.

"You're smart, m'am," she giggled. "You really know what pisses me off."

"Hah, all I know is that when I pregnant with Hidan the slightest little thing would set me off, and being called 'a hormonal pregnant lady' was like flipping a fucking switch- I'd lose control!"

"I know the feeling," Konan commiserated. The two of them chatted for a while, so the guys took advantage of the situation to sneak off.

* * *

"Damn," Kisame mumbled to Itachi in the hallway that led to their rooms. "Well, I guess that really cemented it in my mind. We're going to be parents."

"Yeah," Itachi agreed. "Painting the room made it seem so much more real- almost like now we all have to start behaving like mature adults to set a good example for our kid."

"With this crazy crew?" Kisame laughed. "Good luck with that... when has Tobi ever behaved like an adult?"

"Uh..." Itachi replied, honestly stumped.

"You can't remember the last time, is that right?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

"You two look like complete idiots!" Sasori chided Deidara and Tobi. "You two are going to be fathers soon and now you're having paint fights like grade schoolers in kindergarten art class! How are you going to set an example for the child when its fathers are behaving like a bunch of crazy bastards?"

"You're one to talk," Deidara shot back. "That poor kid is going to be ridiculously anti-social with you as a father-un!"

"Better that the child be anti-social than a pyromaniac like you," Sasori retorted.

"Um, what about the child not being anti-social or a pyromaniac?" Tobi suggested. Deidara looked at him, bemused.

"Being anti-social or a pyromaniac is a lot better than the other possibilities. The poor kid could end up a homicidal maniac like Itachi, a miser like Kakuzu, a psychotic religious fundamentalist like Hidan, fugly like Kisame or Zetsu, or just all around fucked-up like Pein," he replied.

"The poor kid... being born into a family like this..." Sasori mumbled.

* * *

"Konan, how are you feeling?" her mother asked. "I brought you some tea."

"Thank you," Konan replied, gratefully taking the hot drink and gingerly sipping it.

"Are you feeling OK?" Mama Zetsu stepped into the room. Konan's mother looked about to say something, but Mama Zetsu cut across her. "You haven't been too nauseous?"

"No," Konan sighed. "The biggest problem for me is constantly needing to use the toilet." Mama Zetsu and Konan's mother both winced.

"I remember that... horrible," Konan's mother muttered.

"Barami was one of those pregnancies," Mama Zetsu whispered. "You have my sympathies."

"You struggled with that too?" Konan's mother asked.

"Yeah," Mama Zetsu sighed. "I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not Konan-chan."

"I'm sorry about that... must have sucked," Konan's mother stated. Mama Zetsu's eyes widened in shock.

"Did you just _empathise_ with _me,_ Rina?" She asked. Konan's mother nodded.

"I guess I did..."

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Since I am getting ready to enter into what I like to call the month of OMGWTFBBQ, more commonly known as Exam Month, I will be updating very sporadically. However, there are only two chapters left to this story, so I'm going to finish it this weekend. I think that this is the best option, rather than taking time away from studying for AP exams and finals. I'm going to be updating my other two stories as well this weekend to pass this along to those readers, but I will be _finishing_ this one. Expect another update in a few hours.

Thanks for your understanding.

-Kaboom


	24. Chapter 24

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty-Four: In Which Preparations are Finalized

Time passed, and the days seemed to blurr together. Konan had doctor's appointments, Deidara bought more baby stuff on the Internet, the grandmothers bickered, Konan had weird food cravings (pickles in curry sauce with ice cream on top, anyone?), and everyone was working very hard to make the lair a pleasant place for a baby.

"Hey, Itachi?" Kisame asked one day when the two of them were in the main room. "Don't you think we need pastel curtains in here? It might make the place seem more welcoming."

"Well, we'd have to ask everyone else and you know that's never going to work out."

"Yeah, but everyone agreed to let Konan's mother put doilies all over the sofa," Kisame countered.

"Dude, you know that crazy old lady would have dangled all of us by our _nuts_ over the freeway if we didn't let her! NO ONE is stupid enough to tell her she can't do something!"

"I guess you're right..."

* * *

"What the heck is going on here, Sasori?" Deidara asked, knocking on the locked door to the puppet's room. "You've been in there for days!"

"Go away," Sasori replied coldly.

"Aww... don't be like that!" Deidara called. "Can you at least show me what you're doing-un?" There was a pause, and the door creaked open. Sasori beckoned him inside.

"I'll show you if you can keep a secret," he whispered. Curiously, Deidara followed him and looked at what he had been doing. Sasori had been building handmade baby toys.

"Damn!" Deidara exclaimed. "Look at these!"

"Yeah... I didn't really want anyone to try to one-up me. You know how hyper-competitive Hidan is, and I don't think Konan's mother likes me very much..."

"She's that way towards everyone," Deidara replied. "But I wish I had thought of that-un!"

* * *

"No, Tenma, you cannot expect that Konan will wear a pregnancy T-shirt that says 'I'm not fat, I'm knocked up!'" Mama Zetsu sighed. Hidan's mother looked affronted.

"But I already bought it!" she said. "Besides, it's funny!"

"It's tasteless," Konan's mother spat. "But what do you expect from a hooker?"

"Oh boy... here we go again..." Mama Zetsu groused under her breath.

"Who are you calling a hooker, hag? I'm no prostitute!" Hidan's mother houted. "You stupid skank, stop lying about me!"

"Who are you calling a hag, hooker?" Konan's mother shouted. "You're older than me!"

"Yeah, by what? Four months? And anyway, you look AT LEAST forty years older than me!" Hidan's mother yelled. Konan's mother rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, because you're a freak. That religion of yours is ridiculous."

"Mom! Please! Just stop!" Konan begged. "It's too much!"

"Fine," Konan's mother conceded. Konan waddled over to the sofa and flopped down onto it.

"Dang," she muttered. "This baby is heavy!"

"Now you know how I felt with you," her mother replied.

"That's mean! You are a lousy mother, you know that?" Mama Zetsu said.

"Yeah, don't be a bitch because I told you to shut the fuck up and your daughter agreed with me," Hidan's mother replied.

"Oh, Nadeshiko, Tenma, just shut up," Konan's mother said. Suddenly, Konan gave a horrific scream.

"Konan-chan!?" Hidan's mother yelled in alarm. "You scared the fuck out of me!"

"What's wrong?" Mama Zetsu asked. Konan's mother's face looked like it had been drained of blood.

"You don't think... the baby is coming?"

"HIEEEH!" Konan shrieked, clutching at the chair to support herself. "My... my water broke!"

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

The next chapter will be the last. I will be posting it tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who supported this story until the end. :)

-Kaboom


	25. Final Chapter and Epilouge

The Big Love

Chapter Twenty-Five: In Which The Baby Arrives

After helping to get Konan to a bed, Hidan's mother left to go roust the guys from their stupor, and descended to the main room, where Hidan, Deidara, Pein and Kisame were having a Dance Dance Revolution tournament. Kakuzu was counting his money, Zetsu was arguing with himself, and Sasori, Tobi, and Itachi were looking through electronics store advertisements. "Listen up, all of you! Hidan, turn that fucking game off right now, young man!"

"Your mom really sounds like a mom," Pein laughed. Hidan shot him a dirty look, but did as his mother ordered.

"You're going to see you kid in a while. Konan-chan is in labor."

"WHAT?" Deidara roared. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!"

"I'm _trying_ to tell you now, you idiot!" Hidan's mother shouted. "If you would listen to me you'd understand! But since you're all a bunch of fucking idiots I'm having to repeat myself! Your baby is being born, and you're going to be fathers."

"I need to be there to help Konan! I'll hold her hand!" Pein howled. But Hidan's mother whacked him upside the head and yelled at him.

"You'll do nothing of the kind. Konan has requested that none of you see her while she is giving birth. Her mother and Nadeshiko are tending to her now."

"Damn it!" Sasori exclaimed. "Is she OK?"

"She'll be fine," Hidan's mother soothed. "Now just try to stay calm and someone will come tell you when the baby is born."

* * *

Even so, Tenma's reassurances weren't very reassuring. Everyone was so nervous that they were behaving _very_ strangely. "Deidara, that's your third bag of Doritos," Itachi remarked. Indeed, Deidara was snarfing the flavored corn chips by the fistful. And I do mean _fistful_- he was not only eating them with his normal mouth, he was stuffing them down his hand-mouths as well.

"I can't help it! I'm stressed!" he replied defensively. "Doritos are the ultimate comfort food-un!"

"Hey, does anyone want me to reconcile their check-book?" Kakuzu called from the table. "I won't charge you anything."

"What brought this on?" Pein asked suspiciously.

"Counting money calms me down," Kakuzu replied. "Now pass me your check-book- this is non-negotiable."

Meanwhile, Hidan and Pein were locked in a vicious battle in a video game, trying to take their minds off the reality of what was happening upstairs. Besides, once the child arrived, they'd have to hide their violent games, so they might as well play them as much as they could now. "DIE DIE DIE!" Hidan screeched as he blasted Pein's character with a laser gun.

"Do you think Konan's all right?" Zetsu's light side asked nervously.

"I'm sure your mom and Hidan's mom are taking good care of her," Sasori replied soothingly.

"I don't think _her_ mother would be much help, though..." Tobi let his voice drop off ominously.

"Shut up. I don't need to think about that bitch right now!" Hidan yowled, throwing his game controller at Tobi.

"No! YOU shut up!" Itachi said suddenly. "Do you hear that?" Everyone immediately stopped talking and strained their ears to hear whatever it was that Itachi had. And sure enough, if one listened closely, they could hear the faint cries of a baby.

"We're parents," Pein said after a long pause. "We're parents. It finally happened."

"Can you believe it?" Itachi muttered. Suddenly, there was sound of footsteps on the stairs, and Hidan's mother reappeared, beaming from ear to ear. She walked to Kakuzu and said-

"Congratulations! You're the father!"

"Me?" Kakuzu asked incredulously. "I'm the actual father?"

"Yep! Your daughter looks exactly like you. Would you like to come and see her?" Of course, everyone did, so they all followed her upstairs to Konan's room where she lounged, exhausted, with her newborn daughter.

"She looks just like you, Kakuzu."

"Yeah..." Kakuzu said in shock. "What's her name?"

"I wanted to ask you..." Kona replied weakly.

"She is a treasure..." Kakuzu muttered. Then, his face lit up. "Takara. We'll write it with the kanji for 'treasure'."

Takara no Akatsuki was born that day. And it was at that moment that her fathers- ALL of them- pledged to take care of her as best they could.

* * *

_Epilouge: Five Years Later _

"Mommy! Mommy!" a little girl's voice rang out. "Daddy Deidara tied my hair like his, see?" Takara ran into the kitchen where her mother was sorting mail, and indeed, the little girl had her bluish-black hair arranged like her blonde guardian's. Konan smiled as she hugged her daughter.

"You look very cute, Takara-chan," she replied.

"Daddy Hidan asked me to ask you if you could make steaks for dinner!" the child said, abruptly switching topics.

"You'd have to go ask Itachi about that," Konan replied. "It's his turn to cook tonight. It's not up to me to decide what's for dinner." Konan was about to say something else when the door slammed open and Kakuzu stepped into the kitchen.

"Papa!" Takara yelled, running forward to hug her father.

"What in the world happened to your hair?" Kakuzu asked, his eyes widening. "What did Deidara DO? You look like Mini-Deidara! Only a girl!" Takara giggled.

"Daddy Deidara styled it for me!"

* * *

The past five years had been a time of much change. Everyone had to learn how to act around a child. When Takara was two, there was a terrifying incident in which Deidara had forgotten to move his exploding clay, and of course the toddler had gotten ahold of it. Luckily, Itachi had found her before any damage wsa done. However, the incident encouraged everyone to become more aware of what they were doing. Even Hidan was cleaning his language, probably as a result of Takara's first words being "You motherfucker!" Kakuzu had started saving more money than usual for Takara to use in the future. Takara had changed all of them, for the better.

One thing was certain: life in the Akatsuki was never going to be the same again. And that was a GOOD thing.

_**END **_

Author's Comments:

Wow. We're finished. It has been nearly a year since I started drafting this story, althought it was a long time before I published it. I would like to thank everyone who read this all the way through, and left reviews. It means a lot to me that people like my writing enough to keep reading it! :)

I hope that it turned out satisfactory for everyone who read it. I know I liked writing it, and I especially liked writing the pregnancy arc.

Once again, thank you very much.

-Kaboom _4.25.09_


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